2. I think this perfectionism causes me to get super defensive at any small criticism! I know how much Adam loves me and doesn't ever mean to hurt my feelings, but every time he makes any little suggestion about how I should cook something or clean, I get pouty and upset. It's so silly! I know that it is pride...the need to always be right, along with wanting to be "perfect". When I realize something I did doesn't seem perfect to him, it crushes me.
So, those are my two confessions. I have no real solution except to pray that God changes my heart. Or possibly some godly 'longer married' advice?
5 thoughts about this post:
My first thought is to share these with Adam and pray together as a couple. The two of you should decide together what your "perfect" home will be and where your priorities should be focused right now.
Hannah - years ago, I saw a little "schedule" on a friend's 'fridge. She set one day for each house cleaning job (Monday-vacuum, Tues-baths, Wed-dust, etc.) She said she spent 15-30 min a day, and I thought, "I can do that". It amazed me to find that cleaning took less time than I thought, and, once I adjusted my attitude (the big difference, obviously), I found I actually enjoyed it! Think of it as a gift to Adam; it's easy to want to give a gift and makes the sacrifice much less. Now, I see it as something I do for my family rather than something I have to do. Does that make sense? I'll be praying for you in this - keep me posted as you walk through it. --Pam Hatchell
I, too, am married to an engineer and felt those EXACT feelings early in our marriage. After a few tearful conversations about how he always criticized me, it became obvious from his reflections that he only "criticized" things that he liked, and as an engineer it's always in his mindset to continually "optimize and improve" even if it's just a minutiae. I've learned to absorb it with more grace, realizing that it's not me that he's directly trying to "improve" but that he's trying to help me by doing exactly what I asked. If I didn't want him to give me an honest answer, I should've never asked how he liked the ________, I think I've just learned what he's known all along: criticism refines. He loves it, and I have never liked it, but am learning.
Now that we've got two boys, it's been even more important for me to have a schedule for our weeks, which is of course flexible. Mondays are cleaning days (depending on the week of the month there are different things on there), Tuesdays are for other home-related things like laundry (which I do every day), ironing, paperwork and finances, Wednesdays are when I try to do more involved cooking of things that I can freeze. Thursday/Fridays are for friends and outings. We try to do family time every evening and Saturdays. Church is here on Sundays. You get the very rough picture, I hope.
amanda galeotti
Hmmm. Maybe Anonymous above has learned to take criticism better, but hopefully her husband has also learned to offer it less. When one person provides the gift of service, it's ungracious of the other to criticize. Gifts are to be accepted with thanksgiving. Remember how picky I used to be about presents given to me, Hannah, and how hurt people would be because they had tried to buy me the perfect present? This is what your post reminds me of.
Aw my Dearest Hannah, as a newlywed myself (going on 2 years). I have had to learn to "redefine" what my self-perfectionism really is. I too am married to an Engineer. He doesn't criticize me as he has learned I do not take it well at all. But he has learned to "offer help" instead. I am a VERY lazy home-maintenance personnel.
I feel horrible when something's not spotlessly clean, but I also hate the having to clean part as well. Like those before have said, one little bit at a time. Even if it's only 15-30minutes a day. Then I feel accomplished, even if all I've done for the day (cleaning wise) is clean the kitchen counters and stove top, at least I've done something.
With our first baby on the way, this has gotten even harder. I am still able to do many things, but hubby won't let me near ANY cleaning chemicals or supplies during my pregnancy. It's ridiculous! I feel like a pirate at times and I secretly clean things when he's not paying attention. Because after I ask him about 3 times to help me with something, if he's busy with something else, I'd much rather do it myself and know it's done or clean in this case. LOL!
Many prayers and best of luck with this. Remember, DON'T aim for "perfect and spotless". Just "not sticking to the floors" is a good goal as well ;).
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